tighty whitey

today i want to address what i believe to be the root of my 80's exercise video obsession...joanie greggains. queen of the morning stretch.

my mom was an avid follower of ms. greggains when i was in a young and impressionable state (read: easily scarred).

watch this video and we can process it afterwards... or we can try at least. it's kind of long so i recommend skipping ahead to the 4:45

mark, unless you want to see funny 80's commercials for Jhirmack;-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDKBsChYM6Y

ok, people... breathe. we can get through this together. where to start??? how about we address the most blaring distraction: troy in the back.

holy.god... those are some short tight white shorts. my PTSD is kicking in here so pardon my scattered thoughts. i became transfixed on his legs

trying to sort out if he was wearing fur tights or was really that hairy... and the mid-drift bearing cut off sweatshirt must have been helpful

in saving him from having to tell people he was gay.

but back to joanie... what was up with her lecture on children's toys in the middle of the workout? she has a lot of opinions on stuffed animals

that i wasn't banking on hearing all about while wearing my candy striper leotard and hyper extending my jazz hands.

wow. i need some more time to process here. i'd like to hear your thoughts on this video, discuss amongst yourselves...

i really like your peaches, now shake that tree!

watch this... and then we'll discuss. and by discuss i mean that i will give you an earful about what i think...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJer8fcochE

Ok, so that happened. we must all agree that it did happen

before we can fully process and move on from this unsavory event.

Did anyone else get the distinct impression that the goal of this

workout was to suck her peach leotard up into her body via her b-hole?

I found myself holding my breath as she let hers out (loudly) waiting to

see if she would succeed, each exhale brought a wave of shock and

disappointment over my entire body when she failed. and she did fail...

in so many ways. so. many. ways.

The implication here is that if you bleach and tease your hair,

put on a leotard, and bend over in front of your white fireplace

that you too can be skinnier than is recommended by any doctor.

The truth is that this was the 80's, and anyone who dieted in the 80's knows,

that to look like that she was living on iceberg lettuce, rye crisp,

non-fat cottage cheese, and dexatrim.

period.